Radical Acceptance - is it just too…well…Radical?

This week I’ve had the opportunity to try it out - here’s what I’ve discovered.

Hello lovelies

Can you believe it’s February already?! I know we say it every year, but it feels like January slips by in a blur. I turned 60 last month - yes - a big ass milestone birthday. I celebrated it somewhat differently to my usual birthday festivities. Instead of cramming 80 people into my apartment for a studio 54 themed bash, resplendent with brain crunching disco and house music beats, sequins, feathers, dancing and carousing, with free flowing champagne until 6am (which is how I rang in my 50th), I opted to start at 6am - on the beach at Brontë in Sydney - with a sunrise meditation and intention setting, followed by a swim, a dedication to the sun and breakfast. Kind of like a big spiritual birthday card and hug all wrapped into one.

It was beautiful and joyous and perfect for where I am in my life right now. Ten years ago - I was desperately seeking something (not Susan) - hoping that the universe, my friends, lovers, music, alcohol, parties, drugs, distraction - would somehow fill me up and help calm that gnawing emptiness inside me. Don’t get me wrong - I wasn’t unhappy. I had an absolute ball in my 50th year. But there was always a heightened sense of agitation deep within me. A hole I was trying to fill, or a force that I was somehow trying to outrun. Either way - I couldn’t be still, be at peace just where I am, knowing that it’s enough and it’s right.

This year it’s different. I feel deeply whole (not ‘hole) hehe. Even though 2023 served up some of the most profound loss and pain I can recall having felt - the end of my relationship - I dealt with the loss and the change in a very different way to the end of my marriage 13 years ago. I leant into the pain. I accepted that it was here. I accepted that it was real and that it was mine to bear. I accepted that it was my time to go through whatever the journey brought forth, and I just went with it. I was present for it and met it wherever, however and whenever it showed up.

Getting older, or growing bolder?

While many people fret about getting older, and all the (perceived) downsides of aging - I don’t. I’m delighted that the past decade has been such a period of personal growth for me. To the point that whilst last year brought with it much pain - the suffering I went through was not only bearable, but reasonably short-lived. My relationship ended mid-June, and by end of November - I was feeling good (if not great). By Christmas - the gifts I received weren’t just under the tree, they were within me. Freedom, clarity, my creativity, hope, fun, libido (yup that too!). It was all back, within me. Thanks Santa. (Not really - I’m not giving some old overweight white male the credit for my hard work, but you get the point!)

When my breakup was fresh, I had a string of people sharing with me how long it took them to get over their ex’s. These timelines ranged from 18 months to ‘still not done 20 years later’. WTAF?! I vowed that would not be me. I don’t judge these people - it takes what it takes right? But at (then nearly) 60 - I was very aware that I have a finite number of days left of this life, and I’m not going to waste them suffering that which is not my load, and something I have no control over and can’t change.

“Pain is inveitable. Suffering is optional”

This quote has been attributed to a few philisophical luminaries: the Dalai Lama, Haruki Murakami and Kathleen Casey to name but a few. Whoever said it first - the message is clear: ‘inevitability’ relates to something that is unavoidable, so why bother resisting or fighting. ‘Optional’ refers to the human ability to choose one response and reaction over another. It all comes down to choice.

To know that I have a choice to how to react and respond is simple in theory, and makes total sense - but in practice (note the word ‘practice’) can be more challenging. That’s why they call things like meditation and yoga a ‘practice’ right? Because you’re never done learning. If you were - maybe they could call things that you’ve learned ‘permanence’. But it just ain’t the case.

So making a choice to feel the pain, but to not suffer in perpetuity is a choice first, and then a practice. And as we all know - practice doesn’t necessarily always make perfect, but it does make progress.

Radical Acceptance

Which brings me to the concept popularised by American psychologist and author Tara Brach - of radical acceptance. It’s not a new concept: Buddhism and the Stoics can duke it out for that honour. Suffice to say it’s been around for a long time, and relates to making the choice to (very simply put):

Fully accepting things as they are, instead of ignoring, avoiding, or wishing the situation were different.

It means making a deliberate conscious decision to not grind your gears over things that just are. Wow - some heavy shit for a Saturday huh (or whenever you read this)

I have just roadtested this

Given I’ve recently changed the name of this newsletter to ‘Roadtested’ - I figured I’d better put my motivation where my mouth is and share my experience with my most recent opportunity to practice this ‘radical acceptance’ thang.

After 5 1/2 months of no contact with my ex. Him traipsing around Japan and Korea (I heard) and me getting my life back in order here in Sydney, we started a few tentative hello emails. Checking in with myself whenever I heard from him, there was no discernable gut wrenches, or tears, or longing. I determined that I was prepared to go to the next stage and see him. So far so good. This conscious uncoupling project is still on track.

We caught up in person last Saturday. It was genuinely lovely to see him. I looked at him and felt warmth and kindness; nothing icky or painful. Not at all. He was in fact, more emotional than me about our meeting. After about 30 minutes of catching up stuff - he laid it on me. (Quick recap: We broke up on June 20, 2023 after him citing that at the age of 40, the desire to have children of his own had grown too strong to ignore).

News as of Saturday January 27 2024 was: he met someone in Tokyo. They are living together (in Tokyo) She is pregnant. They are expecting a baby in early June. That’s from breakup to baby in less than 12 months.

I’m not going to step out the chronology of this for you blow by blow - you can do the math yourselves. As I sat - allowing this news to wash over me, I could feel myself detaching from the situation. I was absolutely going into shock. I was responding in short staccato sentences. Making perfunctory enquiries about the timing, the logistics etc, but I was not in my body. I was floating above myself trying desperately to separate from the news. Yes - ‘anatomy of a trauma response’ - happening in my body - and right before my eyes.

So what happened next?

For about the next eight hours I entered a slightly catatonic state. Couldn’t speak, couldn’t eat, wandered from room to room, lay on the bed staring at the ceiling. Numb, empty, just devoid of any sensation or conscious thought at all. Then I laid down on my yoga mat and started to breathe consciously and deeply. After about 10 minutes, my eyes started to leak. I say that because it didn’t feel like the crying born out of deeply felt emotion, it was more that my body just started to release water from my eyes. The emotion came about 5 minutes later and the sobbing started. Again - I’m able to write the recall of this, because it was all happening as sort of an out of body experience. I was watching myself process it all.

After about an hour - I realised I needed to speak to someone. I needed to download the overload, so I reached out to a few friends. I made it really clear what I needed - not for them to become enraged and outraged on my behalf, (which is a very natural response), but just to hold space for me while I processed the shock of what had happened. This was a challenge for a few of them, because their natural instinct was to jump into protection mode. So why did I do this? In the aftershock - I knew I didn’t want to demonise my ex for what he had done. He had - in the truth of the matter - done no more, or no less than what he had set out to do. This was his goal - to meet someone with whom to start a family of his own.

The thing I needed therefore, was not for my friends to join me in a verbal character assassination of him, but to support me in my response. Aid me through my journey through this next stage of the (already accepted) separation.

Getting into the drivers seat

The thing is done. Of that we can all be certain. The only thing that remains is what happens next. Get behind the wheel and head in the direction of my choosing. I can choose suffering, or I can choose acceptance. One or the other. In earlier years I would have felt like I had no choice but to suffer, to wave that banner of ‘too soon!’ But now I know I don’t need to. It’s scarily simple. Like the Coco Chanel rule: ‘before you leave the house - look in the mirror, and take one thing off’ - therein lies the secret to a great outfit. I feel like I’ve done that emotionally in this situation. It’s elegant, refined and I feel like everything is in balance. Like my ‘60 Sunrise Celebration’ - it was a very different choice. But for who I am now, and for who I am becoming - the right choice, a beautiful choice, and one that is so far, serving me very well.

How can this story help you?

As I embark on building my new business - still in the coaching and facilitation space, but integrating holistic practices into the way I do things - I’m excited to share that I’m going to be adding running retreats into my services. They are flagged for the 2nd half of 2024, and I’m busy in development now. If you’re interested in learning how any of my journey can assist you on yours, stay tuned. More details to come. Mwah!!

Much love to you all.

Nathy